Sing your melody; I'll sing along...

tears (for fears)

2011-01-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

I might be a weird thing to say, but I really love crying. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm an extremely emotional person, and crying lets all of those emotions explode out of my body without me having to do anything. Does that make sense? Whatever, it does to me. I love crying at sappy movies, too. Really just any good excuse to cry, I'll take it. At least that's how I used to be.

Since my mom, which has been almost thirteen months now, I haven't been able to cry about anything but her. Well, her, and frustration. I'm one of those frustrated cryers. I tend to stress myself out about everything in my life and therefore end up crying about something. But when it came to arguments, disputes, people calling to say they missed me, even fights with the boyfriend (they do happen, people), I didn't shed a tear. I wouldn't even think about it. I was Stonewall Jackson. My body just couldn't make those salty drops fall from my eyes. And it scared me because I thought I wasn't going to be able to show emotion like "normal" people do anymore. (I know, I know, since when have I EVER been concerned with being "normal"?)

Anyway, all of this boils down to the fact that I cried tonight. And it was during a time when I usually wouldn't have (or at least wouldn't have in the past 13 months). So, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel better because I cried. And I can go to bed in a far better mood than I was in about 2 hours ago.

Goodnight, whoever you are.

Constantly changing...

2010-11-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should try writing on here more than two times a year.

Maybe.

My life has taught me that the only constant is change, and the only thing you can count on is God. Not necessarily that he will give you what you want, but just that he is there. He is with you and for you. He has plans for you.

And for me.

I need to keep this in mind as I finish out my final year of college. Okay okay, so it's my 5th year, but it's still my final year. This semester was pretty much filled with "Thoroughly Modern Millie", and next semester will be full of student teaching and job applications and deciding what I want to do with my life! I need to focus on the friends that are always there, because this year has sadly shown me how some people can really act. I have, however, made several new friends that I intend on keeping!

I apologize for the vagueness of this entry. Sometimes that's all I need, though. Vagueness. And coffee. I'll go get some now.

The big girl world

2010-04-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

I took another step into the big girl world today. I filed my taxes for the first time.

I know that may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it is to me. My father [gently] nudged me out of the nest, and I had to file my taxes. I was scared. I thought I would owe the government billions of dollars. It turns out that the government feels bad for me...and wants to give me some lovin' in the form of dollar bills. So, taxes aren't so scary anymore.

The reason I'm glad about my refund is because I've been saving up for a long time now to buy a car. It has been difficult trying to live off of and save the same paychecks that come every two weeks. Sometimes I'm better at the spending part, and other times I'm better at the saving part. But I think I've got a pretty decent amount put away to get myself something that will get me around for awhile. It will certainly be weird...I'm 22 and have never owned my own car...but I am beyond ready. Ask anyone.

I was also just on the phone with my dad and told him about my summer plans. I sound like a busy woman. I'll be working full time at the preschool, doing Drama for UPLIFT, and being a part of "Nunsense II: The Second Coming" at a dinner theatre at my school. A vacation to Florida with my boyfriend is thrown in there, too, as well as a trip home (or two?).

The Pipers leave for our Spring Tour tomorrow evening at 6:30. Destination: PADUCAH, KENTUCKY! I'm no stranger to this place, but I'm still SO excited!!! I absolutely love Piper tour, love being in Pipers, and can NOT imagine what my life would be like if I was not a part of this group. I know people rep their clubs all the time...but everyone should want to be a Piper. It's better than a club; It's a family.

So, here's to homework on the road, staying up too late, losing our voices, eating junk food, and loving soooo many children.

I haven't updated since OCTOBER...

2010-04-11T17:07:00.001-07:00

...and I guess a few things have happened since then.

This entry might be difficult.

Okay. Well. Umm. Hmm.

I have learned now more than ever that I have people surrounding me who truly love me, care about me, and want to make me happy. I always knew that my friends were this way, and it's a shame that it takes such an awful situation to help you finalize your realization. On January 1st of this year, just an hour after the "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" screams were heard all over the country, my best friend and role model left this world and gained her reward; my mother passed away.

We knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it easier. Someone at school even said, "yeah, but she had been sick for some time, right?"...and while that was the case, I promise that it doesn't make it easier. She found out that her cancer was terminal on Thanksgiving Day, when my brother Stephen and I were both at Seth's house. We couldn't come home until Christmas break, and so we had twelve days with her before she passed. I could now use the rest of this entry to tell you how horrible I felt for not coming home for the summer, or for not coming home for Thanksgiving, but I also didn't know that my time was so limited. You never know that your last time is your last time...until something happens and prohibits it from ever happening again.

I was with friends, some of the best friends that anyone could ask for, when I heard the news. Seth began planning his drive to NJ to be with me the second he found out...and so did Amber and Kris. Some friends were upset that they weren't able to make it, and I want to reassure you that I felt your prayers and that your calls and texts and emails and messages were just as important - I didn't expect half of the student body to make the trek up to NJ. All that to say, I'm really thankful that Seth, Amber, and Kris did. God put these people in my life because I need them, and I certainly needed them then.

My brother and I already had plane tickets to come back to school on January 7th...which ended up being the day after the funeral. Were we ready? Of course not. Should we have taken more time at home? Some would say yes, but we knew what mom would have wanted. So we flew back to school after days of no sleep, hoping to find some type of relief in a location that wasn't stamped with memories.

We took the semester head on - it's the only way we knew how. Life doesn't stop just because you may want it to. Steve was just a Spring Sing host...and a pretty amazing one at that. I just finished up my Senior Project by portraying Gwendolen in "The Importance of Being Earnest."

I write all this in an effort to help whoever may read any future entries understand where I've been in 2010. It's been a rough couple of months. It's difficult to focus on school work at times, and I know I've let people down with my attitude or something closely related. I want you, whoever "you" are, to know that I'm trying. I'm going to continue to try and take on this big girl world the best way I've been taught. It's tough when I don't have my number one encourager to call and help me through my day, but I know that she doesn't want me to be upset. I also know that she told me it's okay to cry...so I take advantage of that from time to time as well.

I pray that I can take what I'm currently learning about life and loss and apply it to real life situations when my friends need me. It's not a fun experience, but I know that God wants me to help others when the time comes. I still have a lot of trying times ahead of me, but I've got the best people in the world to help me when I'm feeling down.

I love you, mom.

I'm quoting a theatre teacher.

2009-10-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

...but I won't tell you who it is. I have to keep some level of mystery (and confidentiality) with these posts. I will tell you, however, that he is extremely tall, directs the musical, and teaches my Contemporary World Drama class. Moving on...

He said yesterday that, "Change is unsettling, even if it's change you want."

I think I took to this quote because so much around us is changing all the time. And it was a good reminder that if some of the changes make us restless - that's okay! We don't need to take everything as it comes at us so well. We can be weirded out at first. We can have doubts and fears. We can fight it a little...

...or a lot.

But we ultimately need to learn where to find our peace.

In John, we read that Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

So, find peace with your change. Find peace in your trouble.

After all, He has overcome the world :)

My hair is too long.

2009-10-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

I got the part of Gwendolen in The Importance of Being Earnest this April.

My mom's surgery went well. (She had half of her lung removed.)

I've been fighting off a cold for like 3 weeks.

I work too many jobs and too many hours, yet not enough.

Scrooge is slowly but surely taking over my life.

My grades could use a little pick-me-up.

It's my birthday month! I'm going to be a twenty-something!

Seth. <3

I'm fine.

2009-09-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

I don't update nearly as much as I should/want to. Oh well.

Well, I'm a Piper. An orange Piper, to be exact. I've been a Piper for a week and a day, and I've had 2 rehearsals since then, and it still hasn't really set in. I've heard that it won't click until we do our first show, and even then it won't be until a kid runs up to me and says, "You're my favorite Piper!" ::sigh:: I really can't express how blessed I am by this group of people. Retreat is next weekend and it's the only thing I have on my mind...which is a bad thing since I have a HUGE test on Wednesday in my education class. Oops.

I finally saw the second episode of Glee. I have to say, I'm beyond obsessed already. And the thing is, I don't really care if other people are or not. It does not and will not affect my view of the show and how much I love it. So there.

Last night, two friends and I went to a playground and sat on the swings and talked for like an hour and a half. It was really great, and more things like that should happen in my life.

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me <3

Senior year...

2009-08-28T11:26:00.001-07:00

I shouldn't be making a big deal about this. I'm going to have senior year twice...(you can laugh now)

I was pretty sad to see Summer '09 go, but this semester has been off to a great start. Anyway, the first week of classes in my senior year of college is complete. I'm taking on a lot this semester, but I think it will be a really great one. I'm only taking 15 class hours, but I'm working 18 hours a week on top of that (split between 3 jobs), AND I'm in the musical. Let's not forget the musical :)

Seth is also BACK and I am probably the happiest girl in the world.

Oh, and I got 11 hours of sleep last night. Jealousy may begin...now.

[I promise I'm not this boring in person...]

Why I rarely update in the summer...

2009-08-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

...I don't have homework to procrastinate with.
I have fun things to actually be doing. Well, either that, or I'm at work.
Here's to seeing Seth in 12 days, moving into my dorm in 13 days, and classes starting in 23 days.
Not too bad.

Honestly.

2009-06-26T22:12:00.001-07:00

I am as happy as I could be right now.

I say this truthfully, without a hidden agenda.

I am growing as a person. I am growing closer to God.

I am learning so much about myself.

My friends are awesome.

This summer has been great so far.

Uplift. Preschool. Nunsense.

47 days til I see Seth :)

I am so blessed. I have a wonderful life.

And then I moved back to Searcy...

2009-06-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I need a quick update. Maybe I don't, but oh well...

I moved back to good ole AR on Sunday. I'm staying with Amber at our boss Mendi's house this week, and then I'll be moving on campus for UPLIFT. I started my job at the preschool on Tuesday...working Tuesday-Friday...from 7:30-5:30...for the rest of the summer. Then on weekends I'll be ushering for SSDT, which is from 6-11ish. I start rehearsing for Nunsense on Monday (by the way, I got Sister Robert Anne...and I'm STOKED!), so that will fill my nights. Yes, I will be keeping busy. Yes, I will have little free time. BUT- I chose this.

Sidenote...Morgan wants me to audition for Millie. I really don't think I'll have time, but I'm not gonna lie...I'm considering it.

This is the part of the post where Mary get's serious...
I'm really wanting to change a lot this summer. Because I've been evaluating myself a lot lately, and I hate what I find. I hate how insanely jealous I am. Insanely. Jealous. I hate how impatient I am. And I hate that I haven't done anything to change these things in the past. If you're reading this, and you're my friend, help me. Encourage me. Pray for me. I promise you, I need it.

Since I've been home...

2009-05-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

There are few things in the world that can make me as happy as I am when I am performing. The high that I get from being onstage is something I could live on, and plan to live on, for the rest of my life. I've been home for 8 days and can already add "swing" to my resume. For those of you who don't know, I was asked to join the ensemble of "Oklahoma" at the Broadway Theatre of Pitman. This is where I did "Damn Yankees" last summer, and I absolutely LOVE performing there. I rehearsed a little on Tuesday night and some of Thursday afternoon, learning all of the "Dream Ballet" and "Farmer and the Cowman". If you know Oklahoma, you know these are big dance numbers. Like, huge. But I had a great time and I hope I didn't mess up too horribly on stage! Haha! I was so happy to perform with some of my best friends again. They are all so talented, I was in awe just looking next to them on stage and knowing that I was performing right next to them. And I know that sounds cheesy, but whatever. I had an amazing time. I never knew how much I missed "Oklahoma" until I got back on that stage.

In more recent news, my nephew is here today!!! I got to meet Jonathan for the first time. He is absolutely perfect. I got to feed him and play with him and get head butted a lot...but then he fell asleep so we took a nap together in my bed. I didn't sleep though, I just watched "Holes" on the Disney channel...but I let Jonathan sleep. He's beautiful.

So what's in store for me this summer? Well, I have two more weeks in Jersey and then it's back to Searcy until either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I will be doing UPLIFT as soon as I get back to Searcy, as well as beginning rehearsals for NUNSENSE: THE MUSICAL! I am so excited to get these projects started! I really just can't wait! I also [hopefully] got the job at the preschool, so I'll be occupying the rest of my time by working there.

88 days. That's how long it is until I can see Seth again. If you could keep me...and him...and our relationship in your prayers, that would be great. I miss him more than I could ever miss anybody, and it's only been 9 days. A bit pathetic? Maybe. I know that he is having the time of his life, and a huge part of me is jealous and wishes I could be there with him, but I know that this summer will make us stronger. It's a tough job trying to be tough, but I'll do it because I love him.

This was a long post. Congrats if you read all of this.

Reminder for the future...

2009-05-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

to never have serious talks with my mother at 3 in the morning, because I will only hurt her feelings and make her cry.

I feel like a horrible daughter.

I'm lucky.

2009-05-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

Update if any of you were wondering:
I'm now a senior in college. (Ooooo ooooooooh!)
I go back to Jersey tomorrow until the end of May.
I will be in a production of Oklahoma...next weekend!
I'm involved in Uplift Drama this year.
It takes me and Tessa longer to pack up our dorm room than anyone else on campus.
Seth left this morning...
Oh, and did I mention that we're in love?
Because I love him.

Love.

Homework? Nahhhh.

2009-04-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend is going to be FULL of homework...and projects...and final papers...and reports...and a ridiculous amount of other things that I don't have the time OR energy for.

So...why not delay all of my work with a trip to Heber?

YES, PLEASE!

:)

oh...and I'm home in 15 days!

Seriously, Monday? SERIOUSLY?!

2009-04-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today could not have been more of a roller coaster if I wanted it to be. It took some great and amazing turns but always seemed to turn horrible.
Here's some things I've learned:
1. I need to back off.
2. I try too hard.
3. I can be PATHETIC.
4. Sometimes...I need to give up.

That last one. Yeah.
Give up.
And stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Emo Mary. Emo blog. Emo day.
Emo. Emo. Emo.
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

This is life...together?

2009-04-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

I have more things on my to-do list than I do hours in the day. It's a bit ridiculous. But I'm pretty sure it's this way for everyone until the semester is over.
I refuse to be upset over every passing moment. I don't want to be the person who lives in negative countdowns. Only happy ones. Because everything is going to be okay :)
Oh, and Spring Sing is over!
But Scapin is not. And it's funny. So come see it this weekend.
OKAYBYE!

Dear self, get over it.

2009-04-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

I don't have the time or motivation to be writing on here, but I am. I joined the cast of "Scapin" a week ago, for those of you who don't know, and things have been going...okay with that. I know I could be doing a lot more with it. And it's hard when all of my friends are involved with Spring Sing in so many different ways. I'm excited to cheer my brother on in something that he loves to do and is GOOD at, but I do wish I was right there next to him. (There, I said it, okay?) BUT alas, my sister will get here Thursday and that will begin one of the most ridiculously busy weekends of my life.

Also, pray for me. I'm asking for your prayers. Yes, you. Pray for me. Pray that I can learn to be more understanding. And that I can believe in myself. That sounds crazy amounts of emo, but seriously, I can get pretty low. (note: asking for prayers is difficult)

ON A HIGHER NOTE- Plans for this summer are shaping up even more. I'm excited to see what's in store for me. Because this summer is going to be a great experience for me. It really will. From apartment hunting to voice training to (maybe) being in a show to working at a preschool to working at the radio station to doing UPLIFT...I will be so busy I won't know what to do with myself.

I am blessed. Beyond words. I don't know what I did.
(I guess I must have done something right)

sometimes.

2009-03-28T00:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can be the kind of person even I'd want to be friends with.

But then other times, I'm dramatic and needy and stubborn and jealous.

And I hate it.

Where in the world is Paducah, Kentucky?!

2009-03-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've already told most of the people that read this about my weekend, but I will recap some pretty amazing highlights....

1. Really long car rides with Seth :)
2. Going to Wal-Mart like crazies at midnight to get Twilight.
3. Flamingo Row. Good food...bright colors.
4. Dippin' Dots?!
5. Walking around downtown and being "that couple".
6. Still not understanding what "bubble tea" is.
7. Going to Superman's HOMETOWN! Ohhh ohhhh!
8. CRACKER BARREL! (First time ever. I was deprived...)
8. Seeing "I Love You, Man". Slappin' the bass.
9. Crazy song leaders in church...?
10. Spending the whole weekend with one of my best friends :)

I laughed a whole freaking lot during this trip. It was nice to get away...again, since spring break was just last week. It was nice to be accepted into a family of truly incredible people. I really have very little motivation for school the rest of the semester. This is bad, guys.

BUT- now on to school work and spring sing and MY SISTER COMING TO VISIT and trying to figure out summer plans....yeah...

Oh, and girl's night tonight...that consisted of "Secret Life" and "J&K+8"? Yeah, that should happen more often.

:)

Spring Break '09

2009-03-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, I had a good time.

Thank you, Louisiana and Texas...you helped me discover more about myself than I thought I would this week. And to you guys, too...

AMBER. KRIS. COURTNEY. ASHLEY. KEVIN. STEVE. MEGAN.

I guess I'll let everyone else write about the drama, but I had a lot of FUN.

::Legally Blonde! Pancakes at Kevin's? Baton Rouge! Joe's Crab Shack. Baby Mama. Ridiculous lunch after church. College group Sunday night. Watching everyone play v-ball. New Orleans! Photo shoot time. That magic guy? Sephora for WAY too long. Making wishes in the fountain. Snowballs? Crawfish. Nick and Nora = "best" movie ever? Baking cookies. Driving in the rain. Driving way too fast. Eustace! Applebees. Chicken Express tea. Sydney White on the big screen. FRIENDS. Watching a one-act. Texmex. Hot tub! Dallas! Sam Moon. Mall. Dave & Buster's. Baking cookies. And staying up wayyy too late.::

I love you guys.
And thanks for letting me skype with Seth almost every night :)

"I haven't done that since high school..."

2009-03-05T17:46:00.000-08:00

If you've been around me for more than two hours at Harding, you've probably heard me say the above phrase. It's always a joke about something absolutely ridiculous that no one that I know or am friends with (or myself) would EVER do, but it always gets a laugh, which is my main goal in almost everything that I say anyway.

The point: I think about high school a lot.

I always think about how many people I was friends with (that is NOT meant to sound the way most of you probably heard it), the different groups I would interact with, the teachers whom I would visit every day during breaks, and the different sports teams I was a part of. I played soccer all four years, and ran indoor and outdoor track for my first two years. After that, I did the spring musical. (I did the fall play my senior year, but I joined during show week only because someone got sick.)

Chosing to go away to college was one of the easiest and most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. Part of this might have to do with the fact that my two best friends chose to go to the same school...15 minutes away from home. Probably 90% of my graduating class stayed in NJ...and the majority of them went to community college. Another 5% of my class was divided between schools in PA or DE or something of the sort. People just...DIDN'T leave. But I did.

I look on facebook at the people who are still bffs with the people they were in high school. They know each other SO well, and continue to make memories that will probably last forever...as long as they all stay in their NJ friend pool. And I know I'm out of the loop on a lot of things when I go home. I can't possibly be as involved in everyone's lives like I wish I could be while still focusing on my life at school. It would wear me down. And it's sad...and I miss home a lot. I miss high school a lot.

Am I writing this to say that I regret going 1100 miles away to school? No. Just stating something that often crosses my mind. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't leave NJ and go to school where I am now. I know that my high school reunions will be interesting, because while I know that so much of me is still the Mary that everyone knew in high school...most of them wouldn't recognize me by who I am now.

If I didn't come here, I wouldn't have met some of the most amazing people I will ever be blessed to know. I am blessed beyond all reason. I am surrounded by people who care about me. I am surrounded by people who love. And while I thought that high school was the time of my life, college is proving to be pretty amazing, too.

Was it worth it?

2009-03-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

So this weekend, Tessa and I had the bright idea of going to Abilene. This would be a weekend with 18 hours spent in a car, none of those hours involving studying. Ashley was soon convinced to join, and we were off to Texas. We saw "Little Women: The Musical" and it was ABSOLUTELY IN-FREAKING-CREDIBLE!

This weekend was very necessary. It was great to get away with two great friends, great to see my second family again, great to just get up and GO somewhere, great to hang out with new people....great great great.

But then there were things that weren't so great...like the fact that Ashley and I went to bed at 5 in the morning last night because we had to compose our Design boxes. Yeah. We watched all of "Mean Girls" and "Rent"...plus the deleted scenes and alternate endings. I don't have time for naps anymore with the addition of my new costuming job, and so I pressed on. I skipped a class today to make time for lunch with a certain someone I've missed, and everything for the rest of the day kind of fell into it's crammed little place. I still have Children's Theatre Company papers to be writing...and I won't finish that until tomorrow morning. Why? Because it's almost 1 am and I QUIT TODAY!

And I think tomorrow might also include cleaning our dorm? Hahaha.

Sometimes you just need to sit in a study room with a blanket and lay your head on someone's shoulder...with the fact that you're together being the comfort that makes you want to keep on.

::sigh::

I'm fading fast. I just needed to update quickly before all of this blacks out of my memory when I hit the bed.

Hey, I know that I'll look back at all of the stupidly amazing things I did in college and be glad I did them. I was afraid I'd regret taking a mini vacation to Abilene. But my friends, it was worth it.

That, and I'm sleeping with Amber during spring break? :)

11:11 pm

2009-02-24T22:38:00.001-08:00

Tonight, I wished for the same thing you did.

And I smiled.

;-)

Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHA!

2009-02-24T15:31:00.000-08:00

I will take a deep breath.
Stand up straight.
Smile my usual smile.
(the one that reminds you that I'm better than that)
And go on like that never happened.
::sigh::
I have friends who pull me through.

..yes, you make me merry.
make me very very happy.

Don't hate me after reading this.

2009-02-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

This is going to sound horrible.
But I've finally found someone that I WANT to treat well. And I am finally happy enough with myself and who I am to admit that. Can I be a horrible person? Yes. I'll be the first person to admit that you don't want to make me angry. But I was NOT myself in the past. In fact, I've never been more myself than I am when I'm with him.
I'm not really sure if anyone will/can understand this, but it's the absolute truth. I have found somebody who is, in every way, an answered prayer. I have settled in the past. I have chased after things that I knew weren't right or wouldn't work out, just to see if I could. This is not the case. And I am FULLY aware than this blog has turned into "let's read about Mary's relationship", and I'm not wanting it to be that way...but I am discovering SO MUCH about myself in this process that I can't NOT write about it. The "Mary" that everyone, myself included, knew and loved several months ago is back. I think the last time I prayed this hard about anything was when my mother was sick. For the past few months I have actually been real with God, telling him what I know I need, instead of what I want or what is easy.
And now I'm praying that I can get rid of this feeling that I'm not good enough...because it is the worst lie that replays in my head everytime he does something sweet.

I'll update on other life news now, if you care:
Design class is eating my soul. I am spending so much to make this Cornell box that I might as well pick up yet ANOTHER job just to pay for my projects. I need to make a box for Hedda Gabler. And while I think the box will be great and fun and such to make...there just aren't enough hours in the DAY! And I need to finish it this week before I go to Abiline this weekend with Tessa to see LITTLE WOMEN!!!!!! AHHHHH!!! SO EXCITED!

I have it pretty good. Seriously.

Take a deep breath.

2009-02-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

Will I EVER be happy with my hair?

EVER?

Why did I have to get it done this week? When everything is already 10x worse than it actually is. And ridiculously blown out of proportion. WHY?

I'm pathetic.

Refreshing.

2009-02-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to rip up, tear apart, cut, shred, and then throw things away...things that may or may not have meant something to me in the past. But I did. And it was the absolute best feeling in the world. Even Anna asked why I was in such a good mood when she came in my room. I couldn't hide it.
I am making really positive decisions. About everything. I'm becoming a better person...and I realize that this is a PROCESS and that I will have downfalls. But I have no reason to be the disgusting whoever-I-was months ago. I am encouraged.
Even my mom noticed a difference. My sister, too.
And that means something.

ANYWAY! Enough of the heavy stuff, right? Today was wonderful...this weekend will be really interesting because everyone and their mom is leaving campus. So it's basically a weekend of me and Amber...and Kris. Which is much needed and I am very excited for the randomness that is to come.

I AM SO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW I COULD SCREAM IT FROM THE HILLTOPS!

I must have done something right.

I need to work on it.

2009-02-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure why I convinced myself that my stress levels would go down after my show closed, but it was all false hope. Alas, schoolwork will never let me sleep.

I also need to work on a few things...like jealousy. In a lot of ways and in a lot of situations, I am not jealous at all. But there are those few exceptions that punch me in the face. And I know that I can hide my emotions to a lot of people fairly well, but there are still those few that see right through me. And I know it's not healthy to be doing this...and that the only way I will get over being jealous is to be faced with situations where I would usually be jealous. It's like praying for patience. You don't just get it; you're faced with opportunities to grow.

Spring Break plans are almost complete. Legally Blonde tickets will soon be purchased. And I'm SO excited for what is to come! :)

I am starting to recognize myself again.

Valentine's Day...and my show closing.

2009-02-15T00:17:00.000-08:00

This Valentine's Day was the most amazing Valentine's Day that I have ever been a part of.

Lunch. Presents. Pictures. Amazing boyfriend.

My show...and the fact that it's over.

Yet somehow, someone seems to keep lying. You know who you are. I won't scream a name out there, though I have screamed about this. You are coming between me and MY friends, and it's been going on for TOO long. I don't think you realize how in control of this you are, and how in denial you are, and how badly you are taking ADVANTAGE of the fact that I forgive. Well guess what? I no longer trust you. Oh, and thank you for making me doubt my friends along the way.

(breathe, Mary. breathe.)

Pathetic female theatre major, anyone?

2009-02-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Opening night was amazing. My cast was fabulous and I couldn't be happier with the way they handled the night.
On the other hand, I was thinking about how Mr. Miller couldn't see my show because he's overseas. It's hard when the teacher who taught me HOW to direct and has worked with me as my director on 4 shows so far didn't get to see MY show. But I learned to deal with it and got over it. So I thought...
Mr. Lynn came to the show last night with his family. I was very excited. Well, his daughter got sick after Anna's show, and his wife left with their son and he had to leave with his daughters. I started to freak out before the lights when up for my show because he had left the theatre..so I wanted to see if they could hold the show or anything. I was comforted by Anna and Megan, and the show started. I was later informed that he watched about half or more of my show from the light booth, so that made me smile a little. Bringing this up in class today was not the smartest idea on my part. He told me that he was in the booth, checking on the techies, for about 5 minutes, and then left.
He didn't see my show. And he can't come another night to see it.
And the second I hit the door to leave, I started crying.
My parents can't be here. My family can't see what I've done. What I've poured my soul into for the last...what seems like forever. It's hard to think back on anything before plans for this show.
I guess I'm just overly emotional right now. This week has been a lot to handle.

And Seth, I'm sorry I cried all over your jacket.

Finally.

2009-02-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight is opening night.

More to come about that later.

There's no business like show business.

2009-02-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

Show week.
Death.
Dear cast, get focused.
Because I will throw something.
Not even kidding.
I just need everything to fall into place.
Like lights.
Yeah, maybe my show needs lights?
Does this also have to be test week?
OF COURSE IT DOES!
Thank you, school.
We have 2 more rehearsals left.
Then others get to judge it.
And that's just awesome.
I can't remember the last time I ate a real dinner.
Aaaaaaaand I'm tired.

Is it Valentine's Day, yet?

Yes.

2009-02-07T23:46:00.000-08:00

I love my friends and my life and where I'm at right now. Correction: where I'm headed.

I can be the most selfish person on the face of the planet. I know this. I try to fix it, but it never changes. I can also be extremely jealous, though it's mostly internal and rips me apart rather than expressing things outwardly. I hate that I can focus on myself for so long. I have been focusing on myself for over a year. Well over a year. And it's time to change. I am ready for this. I am ready for the adventure I am about to start. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I am only human. I am an average college girl who is trying to get by, but I've got people who care about me- and I won't concern myself with the ones who don't. I really don't want to mess this up. I have never wanted something to work so badly in my life.

I know I still have a ways to go, but I'm glad to be surrounded by people who encourage me daily.

Especially him.

UPDATE ON MY SHOW: We've entered show week, people. I have 4, that's right, 4 rehearsals left before we open...and I am very ready for it. My cast will be ready. Everything will be ready. Okay...well maybe the lighting won't be- but everything else will be! I hate that I will be SO EXTREMELY BUSY THIS WEEK because of my show, but I will miss it when it's over. And then it's Valentine's Day.... :)

And all you wanted was somebody who cared.

2009-02-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

So, there has been a certain turn of events in my life as of late, and I like it. I've been dealing with so much stress-- homework, classes, tests, work, rehearsals, MY PLAY THAT OPENS A WEEK FROM TODAY, and everything else...so it's nice to have a reason to slow down. I've never aproached anything this way before, and I couldn't be more encouraged for what is to come. Plus, I'm pretty sure Daddy Baker approves like you wouldn't even know!

I am happy.

If anyone can make me a better person, you could.
All I gotta say is I must've done something good.

Toniiiight....toniiiiight...

2009-02-02T23:12:00.001-08:00

...was THE most perfect ending to a most stressful and emotionally draining day.

::happy sigh::

Cheesy. And I don't care!

2009-02-01T00:37:00.001-08:00

Okay, I can't remember smiling this much. EVER!

I can't even breathe.

I almost don't believe it...

So. Happy.

That's all.

mood ring.

2009-01-21T09:24:00.001-08:00

My moods have been SO up and down lately. And this is a personal check point that I need to have to remind myself to CHILL OUT sometimes. Not everything is a horrible as it may seem at first.

To keep those of you who care updated: my show is really shaping up. Rehearsals are going well and I feel like I've been really productive in the last 2 weeks. More to come on that soon, since my show goes up...well...soon.

I think I need more hours in a day...

I love Harding so much...

2009-01-17T23:55:00.002-08:00

. . . that I think I'm making my 4.5 years here into a full 5 years.

::runs into a corner and hides:::

It's not official yet, but I've been thinking about it. And I will absolutely HATE my next two semesters if I have to take 20 hours for both of them. And then I'll be one of those awkward people who graduate in the Fall Semester...where nobody thinks you're graduating and so nobody cares to say goodbye. (WE MISS YOU, JARED!) But seriously, I'd rather ENJOY my last semester(s) here at school. And with the Bible and chapel requirements, it's almost an achievement if one graduates in 4 semesters anyway. AND I have an excuse . . .I dropped my intended major and added a double major halfway through my sophomore year. Genious, right? So I think I might do that.

I'm in no hurry to graduate, anyway. There's nothing pulling me out. "The rest of my life" will still be waiting for me when I leave.

I meet with my advisor on Wednesday. I'll let you know how that goes.

OH! And I have encouraging friends :)

I'm not lying here.

2009-01-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

I refuse to be tied down to thoughts of "what was" or "what could have been".

I'm living for "what IS".
And I'm planning for "what will be".

I am focusing on who I AM.
And who I want to be.

This is new for me.
I'd like encouragement.

Aaaaaaaaaand scene.

Lost

2009-01-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I will cross

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I’ve tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off…

Sometimes, I feel like I make sense...

2009-01-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

If you hear this wherever you are, just know I need you here, I need you near me now.

The semester started today, and I hit the ground running. Classes and meetings and rehearsals. Busy. But a good busy. I think.
I'm bummed out about things that I just need to GET OVER. So that's what I plan on doing. All the while planning things for my play....which goes up sooner than I think.
I was also told today that I was hard to talk to.
Awesome.
I'm going to be so busy until my play is over, and then I sit back and watch my friends do something that I want so desperately.
And no, you don't get it.
Next week are auditions for Scrooge, so I've been keeping pretty busy with audition material for that so that I'm fully prepared. I'm excited...I think.

Don't ever change.

Coming to you live...

2008-12-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

from my wonderful bed in Williamstown, New Jersey.

My friends, I'm HOME! And my older brother got home this morning. I am very content.

That's all for now.

We're ridiculous and we love it.

2008-12-13T08:48:00.000-08:00

A Friday filled with homework, watching FRIENDS, eating at Brick Oven, trying on TOO many clothes at Goody's, and watching "The Holiday" with hot chocolate and chai, oh...and girl talk. The PERFECT last Friday for this semester. Absolutely perfect.

Today Jami's mom is having a bunch of us over for Christmas lunch. She's so cute :)

Then it's the theatre Christmas partyyyyy. Can't wait.

(Did you notice that I left out the part where tomorrow is FILLED with studying for finals? As is Monday...and Tuesday...and Wednesday.)

Correction:

2008-12-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

Scrooge. I meant that I wish that we were doing "Scrooge" next fall.

WAIT!

MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!

Haha. All joking aside, it's going to be a pretty great show. I'm not sure how I feel about the Christmas show at Halloween thing, but we'll make it work. We always do.

Dead week is over today. I have two more classes left to go to, and I took the weekend off, which is a huge deal for an RA. (we only get 4 weekends off per semester)

My finals week is going to be pretty packed. Monday is completely free for me, but then I have 3 finals on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday, and one on Thursday. I'll be home by noon on Friday because my flight leaves so stinkin' early.

Aaaaaaaaaaand I'm done.

Hey, it's possible!

2008-12-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

I would really like to do Seussical next fall...

::wakes up::

RIGHT! I need to get back to homework. Ahhhhh...

Dead week

2008-12-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

...and I feel dead already. COOL!

Not too much to update from my end. This weekend was filled with plays (my brother was awesome! yay!) and a wedding and homework and read-thrus and work.

Finals next week, and then I'm homeward bound, baby!

[I'm skipping "Christmas chapel" tomorrow. Does that make me a bad person?]

I usually don't do this...

2008-12-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

But I'm posting a video of myself.
Because it's not just me, it's me WITH jess...and it's pretty fantastic.
Hope you enjoy if you haven't seen it already...
And please, please don't judge me. Hahaha.

I forgot...

2008-11-30T22:27:00.000-08:00

I am very thankful to everyone who dealt with my moods this week...
and I am even more thankful for friends who are willing to talk to me on the phone in the middle of the night to help make me feel better.
I am so thankful for you.

The home stretch...

2008-11-30T17:59:00.000-08:00

This week wasn't bad. I spent it in Dallas with Tessa and her sister and parents. It was the typical relaxing Thanksgiving break. We went to church, went out to eat, watched movies, and slept too much. I was a bum all week, but I guess it was needed. I really am so thankful that my roommate was willing to put up with me for another week, instead of having a vacation from me, but...I guess I won't complain! :) There are 2 more weeks of classes, and then a week of finals. I don't really have much motivation to finish out the semester, but I'm trying to find it somewhere...from within, from...something. And what makes matters worse is that I need to say goodbye to Jared since he's graduating this semester. Have I ever mentioned that I hate goodbyes? Like...I fear them? Yeah....

I will confess to you here and now that I am beginning to read Twilight. I heard enough about it from all of my friends this summer that I felt like seeing it on Thursday, so I did. It was pretty good. I am looking forward to being someone who freaks out about future movies and how hott Edward Cullen is. You can try to sway me otherwise, but I don't think this could have come at a more perfect time.

I need Christmas break so bad. I miss my mom a lot. I haven't seen anyone from home in almost 4 months! Hmmmm...I should stop whining? Yeah.

Did we ever sing the same song?

Not gonna lie...

2008-11-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today. Was. Freaking. Hard.

But this is life.

And last night, all I thought about was these two...

Oh well. I'm definately taking hip-hop classes at Koresh next summer...

Ummm...hello?

2008-11-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

Why is life so up and down right now?

I'm trying to hold on.

But I feel like I'm falling.

Friday nights

2008-11-08T14:23:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, all you need is a night full of copying your friend's cds to your computer, running to the student center for some chik-fil-a, and then watching "Remember the Titans" in the auditorium with some great friends. As many times as I've seen that movie, I never turn it down when it's offered as a possible movie for the night. It's has really great parts, parts that make you cry, make you laugh, make you want to sing...it's just a really good film.

My mom had some more health issues this week, but one of them was fixed yesterday. I just wish that all of this could go back to normal, you know? I wish the health of my parents wasn't such a pressing issue everyday of my life. I guess it never will go back to normal, but I'm not used to it yet.

What am I excited for? My friends, I will tell you. I have auditions for my play on Monday! Like, I'm the director: I choose the cast, I create the rehearsal schedules, I do the blocking, I make the decisions. I really feel that I'm ready for this. I'm ready to lead a team to create some beautiful theatre that will make an audience feel good.

Two more weeks of classes, and then a week off for Thanksgiving. I'm not going home, but I am going to TEXAS with my roommate Tessa! Okay, saying roommate sounds like we're not close....she's my best friend. We're gonna have a great time! And then we get back and just have two more weeks of classes and then finals....and then....then....I GET TO GO HOME! Oh man, I am itchin' to go home so baddddddd!

I guess that's it. I'm going to see 2 plays tonight, and then do some homework? And say goodbye to Cielo...since she's leaving school tomorrow and transferring :(

Later days.

Two "firsts"

2008-11-02T10:52:00.001-08:00

Well, friends, I am please to inform you that yesterday I got to drive a 4-wheeler. It was amazing. I loved every second. It was probably the most fun I had had in a while.

BUT....

I also fell off the 4-wheeler. It was NOT fun. I have bruises all over my legs and arms. Wah wah wah.

Oh well.

It's the most wonderful time of the year :)

2008-10-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

I love the week of the musical. The late nights, the early make-up calls, the dressing room talks, the children's matinee. Love it. Love it. LOVE IT!

However, I'm really tired. And have lots of homework.

See you at Oklahoma!

To quote Meredith Grey...

2008-10-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want."

. . .

I'm in a battle of head versus heart. It seems like it's always this way. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. I have a lot of questions, and I don't feel like I have the time to figure them out. I guess figuring things out comes with time...I just need to be patient. I know I do, but...I don't even know what I'm trying to say. This is bad...

He knows what I need...

2008-10-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

My mom's cancer is gone. Absolutely gone. No trace. She beat it.

I'm so excited that I can't stand it. God puts us through these trials for a reason...I just wish I understood it more. And I wish that I was truly capable of saying that God is good and has a reason for what happens during the rough times. Why do people have cancer? Why do people die? I'll never understand it.

But until then....praise God.

"Bless her little heart"

2008-10-02T13:49:00.001-07:00

I just sewed through my finger in the costume shop. Public safety had to pick me up and everything. It's not bad enough for the ER...but it sure feels like it. And I can only type with one hand.

And to think, I'm complaining about this, while my mom is recovering from having surgery on her back.

Atleast the weather outside is beautiful.

Many a new day will dawn before I do...

2008-10-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

Today was rather splendid.

After getting ten (yes, ten) hours of sleep last night, I woke up and was [almost] on time for my 8 o'clock science class. I'm doing really well in there, and that makes me glad. Then I went to chapel, and it was only 20 minutes long! YEEEE! Vocal performance was next, which is always nice. I then had an hour-long break and was able to talk to Lucas (for the first time since Sunday) on Skype, which was acting up a bit. BUT, I got to talk to him regardless. After we talked, I went to class at Midnight Oil where my teacher bought us drinks.

My friends, it is October. It is beginning to feel like fall, and I am so excited! It is my favorite month, my favorite season....oh I just love it. There's nothing not to love!

My friends have been great to me and for that I am also thankful.

I'm also directing a one-act in February, and I'm already in production for it. I need to get on the ball with things, but I think it's gonna be a pretty good show. It's called "Why Do We Laugh?" by Stephen Gregg. Yeah..again, I just need to get organized with my things. And tech crew. Gahh.

That's all for now. There's work to be done! And chai to be made. Mmmmm.

Here we go, life's waiting to begin...

2008-09-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

I slept for 17 hours last night and woke up at noon. Needless to say, I feel great.

I've been on overdrive lately. With my mind, my body, my spirit. You ever get that feeling? That feeling that everything should just stop for a little while? Yeah...

I was told from an outside source that I needed to update more often, but sometimes I only ramble, and most of the time it's only important to me, so it doesn't really matter. Oh well.

My life for the next month will be consumed with homework, tests, and musical rehearsals. Not that I really care, I'm just stating the fact.

Legally Blonde is closing on Broadway on October 19th. I was planning on going in December. So now I have to see the tour in DC in December with friends from home, and then again in Memphis in March. Oh well...it'll be worth it. I just really wanted to see it in New York. Bummmmer.

Oh, and I just decided to love Angels and Airwaves again?!

Again, I'm too random.

I'm going to Amber's today. Because I can. And maybe I can do laundry there. Hmmm...that would be most excellent.

Oh, brother!

2008-09-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

This was his Spring Sing Host audition. That landed him a call back. Yes, I am proud. And yes, I am laughing out loud because the title to this post is so corny.

A lot of randoms...

2008-09-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

I hate it when it rains like this. Arkansas really sucks in that aspect.

I have to memorize a monologue tonight. And I don't feel like I can. Boo.

I bought a headscarf today! And earrings! YAY!

I don't hate my science class [yet]!

The end.

Taylor Swift put it best...

2008-08-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
oh I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

::homph::

2008-08-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

I guess I deserve to feel the way I'm feeling now.

And how I'm feeling is kinda like crap.

I'm tired...

2008-08-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

...and that doesn't just mean physically.

I'm going to pray things get better.

...including my prayer life.

::sigh::

I'm sorry, and I mean it.

2008-08-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

There are many people that are in my life that don't get the "Mary time" they deserve. I am sincerely sorry for this, and I am trying to make this change. Today wasn't a particularly good day for me. The weather reflected much of my mood: rainy, on and off. Eh, whatever.

Then I found out that my mother is in the hospital again. She didn't even call and tell us. Nor did my father. Or sister. My brother called her to ask about school related things and was informed this way.

::turns up music and falls on bed::

::lowers head::

2008-08-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

And today...I overslept.

Keep your coins, I want change.

2008-08-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

First of all, summer is over.

. . .

WHAT?!

Anyway, I need to be more encouraging to those I come in contact with. I try, but I'm not to where I want to be. So I'm telling you here and now that I'm going to work harder. Sorry that was random, it's just been on my mind lately.

I've been in Searcy since yesterday. It feels weird. There are faces I won't see, and I've seen faces that I didn't think I would. I guess that's Harding for you.

I'm tired already and haven't finished unpacking.

BUT!....I was on time this morning :) I'm turning over a new leaf! Okay...maybe...I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

And so tech week begins...

2008-07-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

We had a 9 hour rehearsal today. And a 10 hour one tomorrow. I know, I know. Wah wah wah, right? But I'm tired! Tech week absolutely kills me. And between that and working during the day, I'm gonna be so tired. But, people, I have things to look forward to:

#1- Opening night is Friday, and it's gonna be AMAZING!
#2- Monday, July 21st, will be the happiest day of my summer, as I am going to Colorado for 4 days. AHHHH!!!

I love my friends. I love nights like tonight, where you just sit around at the diner, shooting inside jokes at each other, sharing stories and laughing so hard it feels like you're going to vomit. THAT'S good time. Am I sick to think so? Maybe. But hey, you probably wish you had friends like mine ;)

I need to stop being so inconsistent as a person.
I'll work on that.

dancing...dreaming...

2008-07-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

This is beautiful.

I kind of wish that I could dance like Kherington.

P.S.- I dance like this in my room :)

No sleep can be a good thing...

2008-06-28T00:59:00.000-07:00

So after my second full week of babysitting a 2 year old full-time, I decided that I was going to go to bed around 6 pm on Friday. This didn't happen. I played with wigs and ran errands after work. I finally got the chance to nap for a bit around 7:30, woke up because my friend came over, and we went to the mall. Then we went to a friend's house. More people joined. It wasn't until about 1 in the morning that we decided that we were hungry and went to Denny's, picking up another friend on the way. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart. I came strolling in the door around 3:15 am. And now I can't sleep? Oh well. Things are good with friends and that's making things look up. People have been really encouraging to me lately and that has made a huge difference! THANK YOU! I appreciate those of you who have been tolerant of my moods as well. I know that at times I'm not the easiest person to deal with. Again, THANK YOU! I'm surrounded by such good people.

Tomorrow is more good times with good friends.

Good.

I guess there ARE worse things I could do...

2008-06-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write about a production of Grease I saw last night, but I really don't feel that I'm in a place where I can say the kind of things I want to. I'm aware that this is my blog, and "whateva, whateva, I do what I want", and as much as I want to rip the production apart, I'll keep it zipped.

All that to say: I can't wait until I'm a director.

I also can't wait to perform on that very same stage. It was at the Broadway Theatre of Pitman, the same place where I'll be singing and dancing for 4 weekends in a row come July 18th. Boy, am I excited. This place is NICE!

Would you like to know what else is nice?

Really cold grape juice.

OH! And being offered an AMAZING job! I'm working Monday-Friday for the rest of the summer babysitting a 2 year old girl. I'm there from 9-5, have nights free for rehearsals and such, and the pay is fantastic! I am so blessed by this opportunity, I can't even begin to describe.

Have faith.

This just in: When I go down, I go down hard.

2008-06-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

I speak without thinking most of the time. I've tried to get better at this, but my emotions run so high...I just can't control it. It's like "word vomit" in Mean Girls. I can't stand it. So I'm going to try to get better, and since I truly believe that actions speak louder than words, I'm going to start there.

Bryan came over tonight. He peeled my back for about an hour and ten minutes...I wish I was kidding. Sunburn ate my life last week and I'm slowly starting to win it back. Though the sun also made my lips blister. Doesn't that just SOUND gross? I mean...eww. So I've been trying to feel better by isolating myself...which I've found doesn't work. I need people. Constantly.

I also need to find a one act to direct next spring. I'm such a slacker. I want it to be really great...I just can't find any that are worthy enough. Maybe I'm not giving them a fair chance...I don't know. Boofasa.

My mother starts chemo and radiation tomorrow. Sorry I don't talk about it much...it's just...I don't know. Keep her in your prayers. And my family, too. Maybe even me. But asking for that is selfish...

Goodnight.

If I hadn't, but I did...

2008-06-08T00:48:00.000-07:00

I think a lot in the middle of the night.

Like, when I should be sleeping.

Anyway. . .

I think I dream too much. Ha. Funny that I'm writing about dreaming when I'm awake. But really. There's so much I want in life. I'm pulling myself in twelve different directions. I wan't to be a performer. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom. I want to be a singer. I want to be an actress. I want to be a...better person. Can I explain? Please, lend me your ears.

There's a huge part of me that wants to perform for the rest of my life. Live in a big city. Get a studio apartment. Audition for shows every couple of months. Be on stage with famous people. Learn from the talent of others. Be somebody.
To put it in simple terms- The new MTV show "Legally Blonde: The Search For The Next Elle Woods" absolutely KILLS me. I'd give almost anything to be where those girls are, doing exactly what they're doing.
I'm so "performance-antsy" (that's what I'll call it for now) that I'm taking dance classes starting this week with my brother. Jazz Technique. Maybe even Musical Theatre Dance, too, if it's open. I just need to be...doing...something...all the time. It's like my rehearsal time and the chance to perform in front of nearly sold-out audiences 11 times isn't enough for the summer.
Next comes the singing lessons...which may or may not be put on hold because of the money situation. But even still, I'm pressing my vocal coach to push my upper range and teach me arias and ballads I never dreamed of singing.

Why do I want so much when I'm going to be a high school teacher? Or is me saying that just limiting myself?

Why am I pushing the performance thing so much? I'm not as good as my friends.

Sorry for wasting your time. This is just what I think about. All. The. Time.

My mom made a joke around midnight about how I'd be up at 4 in the morning and that we can "girl chat" then.

She's asleep on the couch. I guess she couldn't hold out for me.

And here I am, writing to myself.

So You Think You Can Dance

2008-06-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

Why I'm beyond obsessed with this show.

The end.

It's already the 2nd of June...

2008-06-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

...and I have nothing to show for my summer so far.

I'm stressed. I'm weary. I'm tired.

I fail.

. . .

I need saving.

50 degrees

2008-05-20T10:51:00.001-07:00

It's too cold for Jersey this time of year. I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm also thinking that I have a problem with my sleeping (or lack thereof) habits. I'm tired all the time, and I can't sleep normal hours. In fact, I'm about to go take a nap. I might go to the doctor about it.

I'm in Damn Yankees! And it's a paid gig, too! How sweet is that? We have 11 shows total. My brother is in it too. I'm beyond excited.

Now all I need to do is find a job. Boo.

"Look into my heart and you'll find that the sky is yours"

2008-05-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

May 20th- New Jason Mraz cd! Who's excited? Well...I AM!
Anyway, I really need to get to packing. I need to be out of here by Saturday. Most of my girls will be gone by Thursday.

Did I ever mention that I hate goodbyes? They're probably one of my least favorite things in the world. Part of it is because I have self-diagnosed myself as having Athazagoraphobia...which is a fear of being forgotten. Yeah yeah...I don't know. It's just how I feel sometimes.

I'll be home Monday. I can NOT wait until I get to the Philly airport. Oh my goodness...it's the best feeling. Ever.

Oh...and I saw "Baby Mama" tonight. It was okay. The end.

sing...sing a song...

2008-05-01T10:34:00.001-07:00

UPDATE: Dad's surgery went well. Little brother's surgery went well. (They were both operated on on Monday. Weird?)
This just in: I've been complaining too much lately. I'm sorry.
I need to thank Amber for her last doubleshot last night. I wouldn't have been able to stay up til 3 a.m. and write most of my paper without it. I know it was a big deal to give that up, and I am extremely grateful.
Oklahoma cast meeting was last night. I'm actually excited. We were all advised to work out over the summer because of how intense dance rehearsals will be...which means I'll have to work even harder than I was planning.
I'm ready for dead week to be over. I'm ready for all of my exams to be done with.
I want to sing. I want to dance. I need to perform.
Oh yeah..and like...work too.

The title of this entry is from our Nathan Lane project for Theatre History...and well...let's just say that I hope you get a laugh out of it.

My thoughts are as such:

2008-04-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

I wish I was at another school getting my BFA.
Spain is officially stealing my heart.
I think I want to cut my hair.
I'm probably taking hip-hop dance classes this summer.
My voice lessons are going to focus on my upper range.
Summer vaca starts in 10 days.
I'm obsessed (again) with Little Women-the Musical.
I need to go tanning.
I need to get a new car.

Sorry for such an A.D.D. entry.
That's how I've been feeling lately.

kbye! <3

So...this one time...I went to Memphis...

2008-04-27T19:33:00.001-07:00

...and saw "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee"!
My mom didn't really understand why I was going to see it, since I saw it in January before it left Broadway, but it was beyond worth it!

I GOT TO MEET ANDREW KEENAN-BOLGER!
(he played my favorite character, Leaf Coneybear)

I haven't been able to stop smiling since the show started this afternoon!

Life is good.

<3

I don't really have a title for this:

2008-04-26T14:28:00.001-07:00

Please pray for my dad. He's in the hospital. Again. My mom is worried.

...my mom never worries.

He hasn't eaten since Tuesday. The doctors think he needs surgery, so they plan to operate on Monday. The thing is- he's heart isn't ready to deal with an operation. That isn't what they will operate, but his heart needs to continue BEATING during the operation, correct? Things aren't right, people. The conditions are not what they should be. My dad had 2 heart attacks when I was in kindergarten (any jokes about me being a terror child and I'll slap you), but my mom told me that his heart really hasn't been checked on in about 10 years.

::blink blink::

WHAT?!?!

And so I put on my strong front. I'm getting so good at this.

I have a problem...

2008-04-25T10:03:00.001-07:00

I don't believe people when they say they care about me.

And I don't know how to go about changing that.

Plane tickets

2008-04-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

I was just looking for plane tickets online and realized that I'm buying a one-way ticket home.

Which means that I won't be flying back anytime soon.

...

17 days and then what?

This trip home may be the hardest for me yet.

That's all I'm writing about this now.

Becoming restless...

2008-04-13T16:32:00.001-07:00

My friends, I am ACHING to perform on a stage again. It's getting to the point where I'm actually excited for Oklahoma! this fall. You don't have to tell me that's ridiculous- I already know. Auditions are next week and I couldn't be happier. The choice of show...well...not my favorite, but I hope I learn to love it.
I'm also hoping to audition for some shows this summer. Getting back in May already cuts out auditions for 3 shows that I really wish I could have taken a stab at, being:
Footloose
The Pajama Game
and Damn Yankees

BUT...I still have some opportunities, including:
Kiss Me, Kate
The Scarlet Pimpernel
and Ragtime

And hey, if none of them work out, I'll just get to work even more! Exciting, right? ::cough cough::

Who am I kidding?

"He only takes the best."

2008-04-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

This may not make sense to a lot of you, but it does to me.

I feel like when tragedy strikes someone, however undeserving they are for that event, that they are strong enough to make it through. That I wouldn't be able to handle whatever it was that happened to them, but that they are strong enough. This isn't saying that they deserve it, or it's because they are so strong that it happened, but rather that they can survive. That they are admirably strong people who will set an example through their strength.

Was that dumb? Should I not have said that? I don't know what I'm trying to say..

My best friend's father passed away in a car accident on Saturday morning. It's not fair. But nothing is! NOTHING is fair! I am flying home on Wednesday and will be back at school by Thursday night. I need to be there. I need to be where I'm needed. I need to bless others! I need to help. I need to comfort. It's not about me.

I am blessed everyday. So much. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the people I call my friends. I am truly blessed by everyone I come in contact with everyday. I try to live each day to the fullest, because we don't know what will happen. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, and that is the truth!

My friends- tell people in your life that you value them! I don't do that as much as I should.

less than three

Thinking about it first

2008-04-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in about a week. That's because I don't want every one of my entries to be a rant. I don't need to complain--There is SO much to be thankful for! Why complain about my problems? Sure, there will be times when I do vent...rant...whine...whatever, but I'm hoping that they are few and far between. Also, I hope that when those posts come that others will be able to read them and learn something from them, and maybe offer advice.

Is that not what blogs are for?

No? Oh...this IS an open forum for whining?

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Oh well. I just had swiss cake rolls and now I'm off to class with the Boss.

Life. Is. So. Beautiful.

I can't...

2008-03-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

I hate the above statement.

I absolutely hate saying that I can't do something.

But I can't do everything. I can't fix everything. I can't control everything.

So I'm posting this so that I can read it the next time I think that I can.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

<3

Theatre History...Test # 3

2008-03-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

It's official-

I procrastinate WAY too much. I know that everyone says they do it, but I'm fairly certain that if there was a competition, I'd win. An award? I'd get it.

However, I just had the best time studying with Amber. We have a lot of fun together. She even recorded my singing of the "I'll Cover You (Reprise)" from Rent. It's disturbing that I can sing that low. Ew. And now the whole youtube community will become aware of it. Double ew.

I'm going to go to sleep now, only so I can complain about how tired I am tomorrow morning. I'll probably become BFFs with Java City because I have so much DCB left.

Overall, I'm pleased with this weekend. I got to spend it with people that are near and dear to me. Spring Sing is a special time. I hope I get to be a part of it someday.

I need to stop getting to bed so late.

The Start

2008-03-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I made a blog. I knew it was only a matter of time.

I write too much on other things, anyway.

I'll try not to waste your time.

Peace.