No sleep can be a good thing...

So after my second full week of babysitting a 2 year old full-time, I decided that I was going to go to bed around 6 pm on Friday. This didn't happen. I played with wigs and ran errands after work. I finally got the chance to nap for a bit around 7:30, woke up because my friend came over, and we went to the mall. Then we went to a friend's house. More people joined. It wasn't until about 1 in the morning that we decided that we were hungry and went to Denny's, picking up another friend on the way. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart. I came strolling in the door around 3:15 am. And now I can't sleep? Oh well. Things are good with friends and that's making things look up. People have been really encouraging to me lately and that has made a huge difference! THANK YOU! I appreciate those of you who have been tolerant of my moods as well. I know that at times I'm not the easiest person to deal with. Again, THANK YOU! I'm surrounded by such good people.

Tomorrow is more good times with good friends.

Good.

I guess there ARE worse things I could do...

I wanted to write about a production of Grease I saw last night, but I really don't feel that I'm in a place where I can say the kind of things I want to. I'm aware that this is my blog, and "whateva, whateva, I do what I want", and as much as I want to rip the production apart, I'll keep it zipped.

All that to say: I can't wait until I'm a director.

I also can't wait to perform on that very same stage. It was at the Broadway Theatre of Pitman, the same place where I'll be singing and dancing for 4 weekends in a row come July 18th. Boy, am I excited. This place is NICE!

Would you like to know what else is nice?

Really cold grape juice.

OH! And being offered an AMAZING job! I'm working Monday-Friday for the rest of the summer babysitting a 2 year old girl. I'm there from 9-5, have nights free for rehearsals and such, and the pay is fantastic! I am so blessed by this opportunity, I can't even begin to describe.

Have faith.

This just in: When I go down, I go down hard.

I speak without thinking most of the time. I've tried to get better at this, but my emotions run so high...I just can't control it. It's like "word vomit" in Mean Girls. I can't stand it. So I'm going to try to get better, and since I truly believe that actions speak louder than words, I'm going to start there.

Bryan came over tonight. He peeled my back for about an hour and ten minutes...I wish I was kidding. Sunburn ate my life last week and I'm slowly starting to win it back. Though the sun also made my lips blister. Doesn't that just SOUND gross? I mean...eww. So I've been trying to feel better by isolating myself...which I've found doesn't work. I need people. Constantly.

I also need to find a one act to direct next spring. I'm such a slacker. I want it to be really great...I just can't find any that are worthy enough. Maybe I'm not giving them a fair chance...I don't know. Boofasa.

My mother starts chemo and radiation tomorrow. Sorry I don't talk about it much...it's just...I don't know. Keep her in your prayers. And my family, too. Maybe even me. But asking for that is selfish...

Goodnight.

If I hadn't, but I did...

I think a lot in the middle of the night.

Like, when I should be sleeping.

Anyway. . .

I think I dream too much. Ha. Funny that I'm writing about dreaming when I'm awake. But really. There's so much I want in life. I'm pulling myself in twelve different directions. I wan't to be a performer. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom. I want to be a singer. I want to be an actress. I want to be a...better person. Can I explain? Please, lend me your ears.

There's a huge part of me that wants to perform for the rest of my life. Live in a big city. Get a studio apartment. Audition for shows every couple of months. Be on stage with famous people. Learn from the talent of others. Be somebody.
To put it in simple terms- The new MTV show "Legally Blonde: The Search For The Next Elle Woods" absolutely KILLS me. I'd give almost anything to be where those girls are, doing exactly what they're doing.
I'm so "performance-antsy" (that's what I'll call it for now) that I'm taking dance classes starting this week with my brother. Jazz Technique. Maybe even Musical Theatre Dance, too, if it's open. I just need to be...doing...something...all the time. It's like my rehearsal time and the chance to perform in front of nearly sold-out audiences 11 times isn't enough for the summer.
Next comes the singing lessons...which may or may not be put on hold because of the money situation. But even still, I'm pressing my vocal coach to push my upper range and teach me arias and ballads I never dreamed of singing.

Why do I want so much when I'm going to be a high school teacher? Or is me saying that just limiting myself?

Why am I pushing the performance thing so much? I'm not as good as my friends.

Sorry for wasting your time. This is just what I think about. All. The. Time.

My mom made a joke around midnight about how I'd be up at 4 in the morning and that we can "girl chat" then.

She's asleep on the couch. I guess she couldn't hold out for me.

And here I am, writing to myself.

So You Think You Can Dance

Why I'm beyond obsessed with this show.

The end.

It's already the 2nd of June...

...and I have nothing to show for my summer so far.

I'm stressed. I'm weary. I'm tired.

I fail.

. . .

I need saving.