Coming to you live...

from my wonderful bed in Williamstown, New Jersey.

My friends, I'm HOME! And my older brother got home this morning. I am very content.

That's all for now.

We're ridiculous and we love it.

A Friday filled with homework, watching FRIENDS, eating at Brick Oven, trying on TOO many clothes at Goody's, and watching "The Holiday" with hot chocolate and chai, oh...and girl talk. The PERFECT last Friday for this semester. Absolutely perfect.

Today Jami's mom is having a bunch of us over for Christmas lunch. She's so cute :)

Then it's the theatre Christmas partyyyyy. Can't wait.

(Did you notice that I left out the part where tomorrow is FILLED with studying for finals? As is Monday...and Tuesday...and Wednesday.)

Correction:

Scrooge. I meant that I wish that we were doing "Scrooge" next fall.

WAIT!

MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!

Haha. All joking aside, it's going to be a pretty great show. I'm not sure how I feel about the Christmas show at Halloween thing, but we'll make it work. We always do.

Dead week is over today. I have two more classes left to go to, and I took the weekend off, which is a huge deal for an RA. (we only get 4 weekends off per semester)

My finals week is going to be pretty packed. Monday is completely free for me, but then I have 3 finals on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday, and one on Thursday. I'll be home by noon on Friday because my flight leaves so stinkin' early.

Aaaaaaaaaaand I'm done.

Hey, it's possible!

I would really like to do Seussical next fall...

::wakes up::

RIGHT! I need to get back to homework. Ahhhhh...

Dead week

...and I feel dead already. COOL!

Not too much to update from my end. This weekend was filled with plays (my brother was awesome! yay!) and a wedding and homework and read-thrus and work.

Finals next week, and then I'm homeward bound, baby!

[I'm skipping "Christmas chapel" tomorrow. Does that make me a bad person?]

I usually don't do this...

But I'm posting a video of myself.
Because it's not just me, it's me WITH jess...and it's pretty fantastic.
Hope you enjoy if you haven't seen it already...
And please, please don't judge me. Hahaha.

I forgot...

I am very thankful to everyone who dealt with my moods this week...
and I am even more thankful for friends who are willing to talk to me on the phone in the middle of the night to help make me feel better.
I am so thankful for you.

The home stretch...

This week wasn't bad. I spent it in Dallas with Tessa and her sister and parents. It was the typical relaxing Thanksgiving break. We went to church, went out to eat, watched movies, and slept too much. I was a bum all week, but I guess it was needed. I really am so thankful that my roommate was willing to put up with me for another week, instead of having a vacation from me, but...I guess I won't complain! :) There are 2 more weeks of classes, and then a week of finals. I don't really have much motivation to finish out the semester, but I'm trying to find it somewhere...from within, from...something. And what makes matters worse is that I need to say goodbye to Jared since he's graduating this semester. Have I ever mentioned that I hate goodbyes? Like...I fear them? Yeah....

I will confess to you here and now that I am beginning to read Twilight. I heard enough about it from all of my friends this summer that I felt like seeing it on Thursday, so I did. It was pretty good. I am looking forward to being someone who freaks out about future movies and how hott Edward Cullen is. You can try to sway me otherwise, but I don't think this could have come at a more perfect time.

I need Christmas break so bad. I miss my mom a lot. I haven't seen anyone from home in almost 4 months! Hmmmm...I should stop whining? Yeah.

Did we ever sing the same song?

Not gonna lie...

Today. Was. Freaking. Hard.

But this is life.

And last night, all I thought about was these two...



Oh well. I'm definately taking hip-hop classes at Koresh next summer...

Ummm...hello?

Why is life so up and down right now?

I'm trying to hold on.

But I feel like I'm falling.

Friday nights

Sometimes, all you need is a night full of copying your friend's cds to your computer, running to the student center for some chik-fil-a, and then watching "Remember the Titans" in the auditorium with some great friends. As many times as I've seen that movie, I never turn it down when it's offered as a possible movie for the night. It's has really great parts, parts that make you cry, make you laugh, make you want to sing...it's just a really good film.

My mom had some more health issues this week, but one of them was fixed yesterday. I just wish that all of this could go back to normal, you know? I wish the health of my parents wasn't such a pressing issue everyday of my life. I guess it never will go back to normal, but I'm not used to it yet.

What am I excited for? My friends, I will tell you. I have auditions for my play on Monday! Like, I'm the director: I choose the cast, I create the rehearsal schedules, I do the blocking, I make the decisions. I really feel that I'm ready for this. I'm ready to lead a team to create some beautiful theatre that will make an audience feel good.

Two more weeks of classes, and then a week off for Thanksgiving. I'm not going home, but I am going to TEXAS with my roommate Tessa! Okay, saying roommate sounds like we're not close....she's my best friend. We're gonna have a great time! And then we get back and just have two more weeks of classes and then finals....and then....then....I GET TO GO HOME! Oh man, I am itchin' to go home so baddddddd!

I guess that's it. I'm going to see 2 plays tonight, and then do some homework? And say goodbye to Cielo...since she's leaving school tomorrow and transferring :(

Later days.

Two "firsts"

Well, friends, I am please to inform you that yesterday I got to drive a 4-wheeler. It was amazing. I loved every second. It was probably the most fun I had had in a while.

BUT....

I also fell off the 4-wheeler. It was NOT fun. I have bruises all over my legs and arms. Wah wah wah.

Oh well.

It's the most wonderful time of the year :)

I love the week of the musical. The late nights, the early make-up calls, the dressing room talks, the children's matinee. Love it. Love it. LOVE IT!

However, I'm really tired. And have lots of homework.

See you at Oklahoma!

To quote Meredith Grey...

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want."

. . .

I'm in a battle of head versus heart. It seems like it's always this way. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. I have a lot of questions, and I don't feel like I have the time to figure them out. I guess figuring things out comes with time...I just need to be patient. I know I do, but...I don't even know what I'm trying to say. This is bad...

He knows what I need...

My mom's cancer is gone. Absolutely gone. No trace. She beat it.

I'm so excited that I can't stand it. God puts us through these trials for a reason...I just wish I understood it more. And I wish that I was truly capable of saying that God is good and has a reason for what happens during the rough times. Why do people have cancer? Why do people die? I'll never understand it.

But until then....praise God.

"Bless her little heart"

I just sewed through my finger in the costume shop. Public safety had to pick me up and everything. It's not bad enough for the ER...but it sure feels like it. And I can only type with one hand.

And to think, I'm complaining about this, while my mom is recovering from having surgery on her back.

Atleast the weather outside is beautiful.

Many a new day will dawn before I do...

Today was rather splendid.

After getting ten (yes, ten) hours of sleep last night, I woke up and was [almost] on time for my 8 o'clock science class. I'm doing really well in there, and that makes me glad. Then I went to chapel, and it was only 20 minutes long! YEEEE! Vocal performance was next, which is always nice. I then had an hour-long break and was able to talk to Lucas (for the first time since Sunday) on Skype, which was acting up a bit. BUT, I got to talk to him regardless. After we talked, I went to class at Midnight Oil where my teacher bought us drinks.

My friends, it is October. It is beginning to feel like fall, and I am so excited! It is my favorite month, my favorite season....oh I just love it. There's nothing not to love!

My friends have been great to me and for that I am also thankful.

I'm also directing a one-act in February, and I'm already in production for it. I need to get on the ball with things, but I think it's gonna be a pretty good show. It's called "Why Do We Laugh?" by Stephen Gregg. Yeah..again, I just need to get organized with my things. And tech crew. Gahh.

That's all for now. There's work to be done! And chai to be made. Mmmmm.

Here we go, life's waiting to begin...

I slept for 17 hours last night and woke up at noon. Needless to say, I feel great.

I've been on overdrive lately. With my mind, my body, my spirit. You ever get that feeling? That feeling that everything should just stop for a little while? Yeah...

I was told from an outside source that I needed to update more often, but sometimes I only ramble, and most of the time it's only important to me, so it doesn't really matter. Oh well.

My life for the next month will be consumed with homework, tests, and musical rehearsals. Not that I really care, I'm just stating the fact.

Legally Blonde is closing on Broadway on October 19th. I was planning on going in December. So now I have to see the tour in DC in December with friends from home, and then again in Memphis in March. Oh well...it'll be worth it. I just really wanted to see it in New York. Bummmmer.

Oh, and I just decided to love Angels and Airwaves again?!

Again, I'm too random.

I'm going to Amber's today. Because I can. And maybe I can do laundry there. Hmmm...that would be most excellent.

Oh, brother!

This was his Spring Sing Host audition. That landed him a call back. Yes, I am proud. And yes, I am laughing out loud because the title to this post is so corny.

A lot of randoms...

I hate it when it rains like this. Arkansas really sucks in that aspect.

I have to memorize a monologue tonight. And I don't feel like I can. Boo.

I bought a headscarf today! And earrings! YAY!

I don't hate my science class [yet]!

The end.

Taylor Swift put it best...

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
oh I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

::homph::

I guess I deserve to feel the way I'm feeling now.

And how I'm feeling is kinda like crap.

I'm tired...

...and that doesn't just mean physically.

I'm going to pray things get better.

...including my prayer life.

::sigh::

I'm sorry, and I mean it.

There are many people that are in my life that don't get the "Mary time" they deserve. I am sincerely sorry for this, and I am trying to make this change. Today wasn't a particularly good day for me. The weather reflected much of my mood: rainy, on and off. Eh, whatever.

Then I found out that my mother is in the hospital again. She didn't even call and tell us. Nor did my father. Or sister. My brother called her to ask about school related things and was informed this way.

::turns up music and falls on bed::

::lowers head::

And today...I overslept.

Keep your coins, I want change.

First of all, summer is over.

. . .

WHAT?!

Anyway, I need to be more encouraging to those I come in contact with. I try, but I'm not to where I want to be. So I'm telling you here and now that I'm going to work harder. Sorry that was random, it's just been on my mind lately.

I've been in Searcy since yesterday. It feels weird. There are faces I won't see, and I've seen faces that I didn't think I would. I guess that's Harding for you.

I'm tired already and haven't finished unpacking.

BUT!....I was on time this morning :) I'm turning over a new leaf! Okay...maybe...I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

And so tech week begins...

We had a 9 hour rehearsal today. And a 10 hour one tomorrow. I know, I know. Wah wah wah, right? But I'm tired! Tech week absolutely kills me. And between that and working during the day, I'm gonna be so tired. But, people, I have things to look forward to:

#1- Opening night is Friday, and it's gonna be AMAZING!
#2- Monday, July 21st, will be the happiest day of my summer, as I am going to Colorado for 4 days. AHHHH!!!

I love my friends. I love nights like tonight, where you just sit around at the diner, shooting inside jokes at each other, sharing stories and laughing so hard it feels like you're going to vomit. THAT'S good time. Am I sick to think so? Maybe. But hey, you probably wish you had friends like mine ;)

I need to stop being so inconsistent as a person.
I'll work on that.

dancing...dreaming...

This is beautiful.

I kind of wish that I could dance like Kherington.

P.S.- I dance like this in my room :)

No sleep can be a good thing...

So after my second full week of babysitting a 2 year old full-time, I decided that I was going to go to bed around 6 pm on Friday. This didn't happen. I played with wigs and ran errands after work. I finally got the chance to nap for a bit around 7:30, woke up because my friend came over, and we went to the mall. Then we went to a friend's house. More people joined. It wasn't until about 1 in the morning that we decided that we were hungry and went to Denny's, picking up another friend on the way. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart. I came strolling in the door around 3:15 am. And now I can't sleep? Oh well. Things are good with friends and that's making things look up. People have been really encouraging to me lately and that has made a huge difference! THANK YOU! I appreciate those of you who have been tolerant of my moods as well. I know that at times I'm not the easiest person to deal with. Again, THANK YOU! I'm surrounded by such good people.

Tomorrow is more good times with good friends.

Good.

I guess there ARE worse things I could do...

I wanted to write about a production of Grease I saw last night, but I really don't feel that I'm in a place where I can say the kind of things I want to. I'm aware that this is my blog, and "whateva, whateva, I do what I want", and as much as I want to rip the production apart, I'll keep it zipped.

All that to say: I can't wait until I'm a director.

I also can't wait to perform on that very same stage. It was at the Broadway Theatre of Pitman, the same place where I'll be singing and dancing for 4 weekends in a row come July 18th. Boy, am I excited. This place is NICE!

Would you like to know what else is nice?

Really cold grape juice.

OH! And being offered an AMAZING job! I'm working Monday-Friday for the rest of the summer babysitting a 2 year old girl. I'm there from 9-5, have nights free for rehearsals and such, and the pay is fantastic! I am so blessed by this opportunity, I can't even begin to describe.

Have faith.

This just in: When I go down, I go down hard.

I speak without thinking most of the time. I've tried to get better at this, but my emotions run so high...I just can't control it. It's like "word vomit" in Mean Girls. I can't stand it. So I'm going to try to get better, and since I truly believe that actions speak louder than words, I'm going to start there.

Bryan came over tonight. He peeled my back for about an hour and ten minutes...I wish I was kidding. Sunburn ate my life last week and I'm slowly starting to win it back. Though the sun also made my lips blister. Doesn't that just SOUND gross? I mean...eww. So I've been trying to feel better by isolating myself...which I've found doesn't work. I need people. Constantly.

I also need to find a one act to direct next spring. I'm such a slacker. I want it to be really great...I just can't find any that are worthy enough. Maybe I'm not giving them a fair chance...I don't know. Boofasa.

My mother starts chemo and radiation tomorrow. Sorry I don't talk about it much...it's just...I don't know. Keep her in your prayers. And my family, too. Maybe even me. But asking for that is selfish...

Goodnight.

If I hadn't, but I did...

I think a lot in the middle of the night.

Like, when I should be sleeping.

Anyway. . .

I think I dream too much. Ha. Funny that I'm writing about dreaming when I'm awake. But really. There's so much I want in life. I'm pulling myself in twelve different directions. I wan't to be a performer. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom. I want to be a singer. I want to be an actress. I want to be a...better person. Can I explain? Please, lend me your ears.

There's a huge part of me that wants to perform for the rest of my life. Live in a big city. Get a studio apartment. Audition for shows every couple of months. Be on stage with famous people. Learn from the talent of others. Be somebody.
To put it in simple terms- The new MTV show "Legally Blonde: The Search For The Next Elle Woods" absolutely KILLS me. I'd give almost anything to be where those girls are, doing exactly what they're doing.
I'm so "performance-antsy" (that's what I'll call it for now) that I'm taking dance classes starting this week with my brother. Jazz Technique. Maybe even Musical Theatre Dance, too, if it's open. I just need to be...doing...something...all the time. It's like my rehearsal time and the chance to perform in front of nearly sold-out audiences 11 times isn't enough for the summer.
Next comes the singing lessons...which may or may not be put on hold because of the money situation. But even still, I'm pressing my vocal coach to push my upper range and teach me arias and ballads I never dreamed of singing.

Why do I want so much when I'm going to be a high school teacher? Or is me saying that just limiting myself?

Why am I pushing the performance thing so much? I'm not as good as my friends.

Sorry for wasting your time. This is just what I think about. All. The. Time.

My mom made a joke around midnight about how I'd be up at 4 in the morning and that we can "girl chat" then.

She's asleep on the couch. I guess she couldn't hold out for me.

And here I am, writing to myself.

So You Think You Can Dance

Why I'm beyond obsessed with this show.

The end.

It's already the 2nd of June...

...and I have nothing to show for my summer so far.

I'm stressed. I'm weary. I'm tired.

I fail.

. . .

I need saving.

50 degrees

It's too cold for Jersey this time of year. I don't know how I feel about it.

I'm also thinking that I have a problem with my sleeping (or lack thereof) habits. I'm tired all the time, and I can't sleep normal hours. In fact, I'm about to go take a nap. I might go to the doctor about it.

I'm in Damn Yankees! And it's a paid gig, too! How sweet is that? We have 11 shows total. My brother is in it too. I'm beyond excited.

Now all I need to do is find a job. Boo.

"Look into my heart and you'll find that the sky is yours"

May 20th- New Jason Mraz cd! Who's excited? Well...I AM!
Anyway, I really need to get to packing. I need to be out of here by Saturday. Most of my girls will be gone by Thursday.

Did I ever mention that I hate goodbyes? They're probably one of my least favorite things in the world. Part of it is because I have self-diagnosed myself as having Athazagoraphobia...which is a fear of being forgotten. Yeah yeah...I don't know. It's just how I feel sometimes.

I'll be home Monday. I can NOT wait until I get to the Philly airport. Oh my goodness...it's the best feeling. Ever.

Oh...and I saw "Baby Mama" tonight. It was okay. The end.

sing...sing a song...

UPDATE: Dad's surgery went well. Little brother's surgery went well. (They were both operated on on Monday. Weird?)
This just in: I've been complaining too much lately. I'm sorry.
I need to thank Amber for her last doubleshot last night. I wouldn't have been able to stay up til 3 a.m. and write most of my paper without it. I know it was a big deal to give that up, and I am extremely grateful.
Oklahoma cast meeting was last night. I'm actually excited. We were all advised to work out over the summer because of how intense dance rehearsals will be...which means I'll have to work even harder than I was planning.
I'm ready for dead week to be over. I'm ready for all of my exams to be done with.
I want to sing. I want to dance. I need to perform.
Oh yeah..and like...work too.

The title of this entry is from our Nathan Lane project for Theatre History...and well...let's just say that I hope you get a laugh out of it.

My thoughts are as such:

I wish I was at another school getting my BFA.
Spain is officially stealing my heart.
I think I want to cut my hair.
I'm probably taking hip-hop dance classes this summer.
My voice lessons are going to focus on my upper range.
Summer vaca starts in 10 days.
I'm obsessed (again) with Little Women-the Musical.
I need to go tanning.
I need to get a new car.

Sorry for such an A.D.D. entry.
That's how I've been feeling lately.

kbye! <3

So...this one time...I went to Memphis...

...and saw "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee"!
My mom didn't really understand why I was going to see it, since I saw it in January before it left Broadway, but it was beyond worth it!

I GOT TO MEET ANDREW KEENAN-BOLGER!
(he played my favorite character, Leaf Coneybear)


I haven't been able to stop smiling since the show started this afternoon!

Life is good.

<3

I don't really have a title for this:

Please pray for my dad. He's in the hospital. Again. My mom is worried.

...my mom never worries.

He hasn't eaten since Tuesday. The doctors think he needs surgery, so they plan to operate on Monday. The thing is- he's heart isn't ready to deal with an operation. That isn't what they will operate, but his heart needs to continue BEATING during the operation, correct? Things aren't right, people. The conditions are not what they should be. My dad had 2 heart attacks when I was in kindergarten (any jokes about me being a terror child and I'll slap you), but my mom told me that his heart really hasn't been checked on in about 10 years.

::blink blink::

WHAT?!?!

And so I put on my strong front. I'm getting so good at this.

I have a problem...

I don't believe people when they say they care about me.

And I don't know how to go about changing that.

Plane tickets

I was just looking for plane tickets online and realized that I'm buying a one-way ticket home.

Which means that I won't be flying back anytime soon.

...

17 days and then what?

This trip home may be the hardest for me yet.

That's all I'm writing about this now.

Becoming restless...

My friends, I am ACHING to perform on a stage again. It's getting to the point where I'm actually excited for Oklahoma! this fall. You don't have to tell me that's ridiculous- I already know. Auditions are next week and I couldn't be happier. The choice of show...well...not my favorite, but I hope I learn to love it.
I'm also hoping to audition for some shows this summer. Getting back in May already cuts out auditions for 3 shows that I really wish I could have taken a stab at, being:
Footloose
The Pajama Game
and Damn Yankees

BUT...I still have some opportunities, including:
Kiss Me, Kate
The Scarlet Pimpernel
and Ragtime

And hey, if none of them work out, I'll just get to work even more! Exciting, right? ::cough cough::

Who am I kidding?

"He only takes the best."

This may not make sense to a lot of you, but it does to me.

I feel like when tragedy strikes someone, however undeserving they are for that event, that they are strong enough to make it through. That I wouldn't be able to handle whatever it was that happened to them, but that they are strong enough. This isn't saying that they deserve it, or it's because they are so strong that it happened, but rather that they can survive. That they are admirably strong people who will set an example through their strength.

Was that dumb? Should I not have said that? I don't know what I'm trying to say..

My best friend's father passed away in a car accident on Saturday morning. It's not fair. But nothing is! NOTHING is fair! I am flying home on Wednesday and will be back at school by Thursday night. I need to be there. I need to be where I'm needed. I need to bless others! I need to help. I need to comfort. It's not about me.

I am blessed everyday. So much. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the people I call my friends. I am truly blessed by everyone I come in contact with everyday. I try to live each day to the fullest, because we don't know what will happen. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, and that is the truth!

My friends- tell people in your life that you value them! I don't do that as much as I should.

less than three

Thinking about it first

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in about a week. That's because I don't want every one of my entries to be a rant. I don't need to complain--There is SO much to be thankful for! Why complain about my problems? Sure, there will be times when I do vent...rant...whine...whatever, but I'm hoping that they are few and far between. Also, I hope that when those posts come that others will be able to read them and learn something from them, and maybe offer advice.

Is that not what blogs are for?

No? Oh...this IS an open forum for whining?

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Oh well. I just had swiss cake rolls and now I'm off to class with the Boss.

Life. Is. So. Beautiful.

I can't...

I hate the above statement.

I absolutely hate saying that I can't do something.

But I can't do everything. I can't fix everything. I can't control everything.

So I'm posting this so that I can read it the next time I think that I can.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

<3

Theatre History...Test # 3

It's official-

I procrastinate WAY too much. I know that everyone says they do it, but I'm fairly certain that if there was a competition, I'd win. An award? I'd get it.

However, I just had the best time studying with Amber. We have a lot of fun together. She even recorded my singing of the "I'll Cover You (Reprise)" from Rent. It's disturbing that I can sing that low. Ew. And now the whole youtube community will become aware of it. Double ew.

I'm going to go to sleep now, only so I can complain about how tired I am tomorrow morning. I'll probably become BFFs with Java City because I have so much DCB left.

Overall, I'm pleased with this weekend. I got to spend it with people that are near and dear to me. Spring Sing is a special time. I hope I get to be a part of it someday.

I need to stop getting to bed so late.

The Start

Okay, so I made a blog. I knew it was only a matter of time.

I write too much on other things, anyway.

I'll try not to waste your time.

Peace.