Friday, January 28, 2011

tears (for fears)

I might be a weird thing to say, but I really love crying. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm an extremely emotional person, and crying lets all of those emotions explode out of my body without me having to do anything. Does that make sense? Whatever, it does to me. I love crying at sappy movies, too. Really just any good excuse to cry, I'll take it. At least that's how I used to be.

Since my mom, which has been almost thirteen months now, I haven't been able to cry about anything but her. Well, her, and frustration. I'm one of those frustrated cryers. I tend to stress myself out about everything in my life and therefore end up crying about something. But when it came to arguments, disputes, people calling to say they missed me, even fights with the boyfriend (they do happen, people), I didn't shed a tear. I wouldn't even think about it. I was Stonewall Jackson. My body just couldn't make those salty drops fall from my eyes. And it scared me because I thought I wasn't going to be able to show emotion like "normal" people do anymore. (I know, I know, since when have I EVER been concerned with being "normal"?)

Anyway, all of this boils down to the fact that I cried tonight. And it was during a time when I usually wouldn't have (or at least wouldn't have in the past 13 months). So, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel better because I cried. And I can go to bed in a far better mood than I was in about 2 hours ago.

Goodnight, whoever you are.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Constantly changing...

Maybe I should try writing on here more than two times a year.


My life has taught me that the only constant is change, and the only thing you can count on is God. Not necessarily that he will give you what you want, but just that he is there. He is with you and for you. He has plans for you.

And for me.

I need to keep this in mind as I finish out my final year of college. Okay okay, so it's my 5th year, but it's still my final year. This semester was pretty much filled with "Thoroughly Modern Millie", and next semester will be full of student teaching and job applications and deciding what I want to do with my life! I need to focus on the friends that are always there, because this year has sadly shown me how some people can really act. I have, however, made several new friends that I intend on keeping!

I apologize for the vagueness of this entry. Sometimes that's all I need, though. Vagueness. And coffee. I'll go get some now.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The big girl world

I took another step into the big girl world today. I filed my taxes for the first time.

I know that may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it is to me. My father [gently] nudged me out of the nest, and I had to file my taxes. I was scared. I thought I would owe the government billions of dollars. It turns out that the government feels bad for me...and wants to give me some lovin' in the form of dollar bills. So, taxes aren't so scary anymore.

The reason I'm glad about my refund is because I've been saving up for a long time now to buy a car. It has been difficult trying to live off of and save the same paychecks that come every two weeks. Sometimes I'm better at the spending part, and other times I'm better at the saving part. But I think I've got a pretty decent amount put away to get myself something that will get me around for awhile. It will certainly be weird...I'm 22 and have never owned my own car...but I am beyond ready. Ask anyone.

I was also just on the phone with my dad and told him about my summer plans. I sound like a busy woman. I'll be working full time at the preschool, doing Drama for UPLIFT, and being a part of "Nunsense II: The Second Coming" at a dinner theatre at my school. A vacation to Florida with my boyfriend is thrown in there, too, as well as a trip home (or two?).

The Pipers leave for our Spring Tour tomorrow evening at 6:30. Destination: PADUCAH, KENTUCKY! I'm no stranger to this place, but I'm still SO excited!!! I absolutely love Piper tour, love being in Pipers, and can NOT imagine what my life would be like if I was not a part of this group. I know people rep their clubs all the time...but everyone should want to be a Piper. It's better than a club; It's a family.

So, here's to homework on the road, staying up too late, losing our voices, eating junk food, and loving soooo many children.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I haven't updated since OCTOBER...

...and I guess a few things have happened since then.

This entry might be difficult.

Okay. Well. Umm. Hmm.

I have learned now more than ever that I have people surrounding me who truly love me, care about me, and want to make me happy. I always knew that my friends were this way, and it's a shame that it takes such an awful situation to help you finalize your realization. On January 1st of this year, just an hour after the "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" screams were heard all over the country, my best friend and role model left this world and gained her reward; my mother passed away.

We knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it easier. Someone at school even said, "yeah, but she had been sick for some time, right?"...and while that was the case, I promise that it doesn't make it easier. She found out that her cancer was terminal on Thanksgiving Day, when my brother Stephen and I were both at Seth's house. We couldn't come home until Christmas break, and so we had twelve days with her before she passed. I could now use the rest of this entry to tell you how horrible I felt for not coming home for the summer, or for not coming home for Thanksgiving, but I also didn't know that my time was so limited. You never know that your last time is your last time...until something happens and prohibits it from ever happening again.

I was with friends, some of the best friends that anyone could ask for, when I heard the news. Seth began planning his drive to NJ to be with me the second he found out...and so did Amber and Kris. Some friends were upset that they weren't able to make it, and I want to reassure you that I felt your prayers and that your calls and texts and emails and messages were just as important - I didn't expect half of the student body to make the trek up to NJ. All that to say, I'm really thankful that Seth, Amber, and Kris did. God put these people in my life because I need them, and I certainly needed them then.

My brother and I already had plane tickets to come back to school on January 7th...which ended up being the day after the funeral. Were we ready? Of course not. Should we have taken more time at home? Some would say yes, but we knew what mom would have wanted. So we flew back to school after days of no sleep, hoping to find some type of relief in a location that wasn't stamped with memories.

We took the semester head on - it's the only way we knew how. Life doesn't stop just because you may want it to. Steve was just a Spring Sing host...and a pretty amazing one at that. I just finished up my Senior Project by portraying Gwendolen in "The Importance of Being Earnest."

I write all this in an effort to help whoever may read any future entries understand where I've been in 2010. It's been a rough couple of months. It's difficult to focus on school work at times, and I know I've let people down with my attitude or something closely related. I want you, whoever "you" are, to know that I'm trying. I'm going to continue to try and take on this big girl world the best way I've been taught. It's tough when I don't have my number one encourager to call and help me through my day, but I know that she doesn't want me to be upset. I also know that she told me it's okay to I take advantage of that from time to time as well.

I pray that I can take what I'm currently learning about life and loss and apply it to real life situations when my friends need me. It's not a fun experience, but I know that God wants me to help others when the time comes. I still have a lot of trying times ahead of me, but I've got the best people in the world to help me when I'm feeling down.

I love you, mom.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm quoting a theatre teacher.

...but I won't tell you who it is. I have to keep some level of mystery (and confidentiality) with these posts. I will tell you, however, that he is extremely tall, directs the musical, and teaches my Contemporary World Drama class. Moving on...

He said yesterday that, "Change is unsettling, even if it's change you want."

I think I took to this quote because so much around us is changing all the time. And it was a good reminder that if some of the changes make us restless - that's okay! We don't need to take everything as it comes at us so well. We can be weirded out at first. We can have doubts and fears. We can fight it a little...

...or a lot.

But we ultimately need to learn where to find our peace.

In John, we read that Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

So, find peace with your change. Find peace in your trouble.

After all, He has overcome the world :)

Monday, October 5, 2009

My hair is too long.

I got the part of Gwendolen in The Importance of Being Earnest this April.

My mom's surgery went well. (She had half of her lung removed.)

I've been fighting off a cold for like 3 weeks.

I work too many jobs and too many hours, yet not enough.

Scrooge is slowly but surely taking over my life.

My grades could use a little pick-me-up.

It's my birthday month! I'm going to be a twenty-something!

Seth. <3

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm fine.

I don't update nearly as much as I should/want to. Oh well.

Well, I'm a Piper. An orange Piper, to be exact. I've been a Piper for a week and a day, and I've had 2 rehearsals since then, and it still hasn't really set in. I've heard that it won't click until we do our first show, and even then it won't be until a kid runs up to me and says, "You're my favorite Piper!" ::sigh:: I really can't express how blessed I am by this group of people. Retreat is next weekend and it's the only thing I have on my mind...which is a bad thing since I have a HUGE test on Wednesday in my education class. Oops.

I finally saw the second episode of Glee. I have to say, I'm beyond obsessed already. And the thing is, I don't really care if other people are or not. It does not and will not affect my view of the show and how much I love it. So there.

Last night, two friends and I went to a playground and sat on the swings and talked for like an hour and a half. It was really great, and more things like that should happen in my life.

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me