11:11 pm

Tonight, I wished for the same thing you did.

And I smiled.

;-)

Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHA!

I will take a deep breath.
Stand up straight.
Smile my usual smile.
(the one that reminds you that I'm better than that)
And go on like that never happened.
::sigh::
I have friends who pull me through.


..yes, you make me merry.
make me very very happy.

Don't hate me after reading this.

This is going to sound horrible.
But I've finally found someone that I WANT to treat well. And I am finally happy enough with myself and who I am to admit that. Can I be a horrible person? Yes. I'll be the first person to admit that you don't want to make me angry. But I was NOT myself in the past. In fact, I've never been more myself than I am when I'm with him.
I'm not really sure if anyone will/can understand this, but it's the absolute truth. I have found somebody who is, in every way, an answered prayer. I have settled in the past. I have chased after things that I knew weren't right or wouldn't work out, just to see if I could. This is not the case. And I am FULLY aware than this blog has turned into "let's read about Mary's relationship", and I'm not wanting it to be that way...but I am discovering SO MUCH about myself in this process that I can't NOT write about it. The "Mary" that everyone, myself included, knew and loved several months ago is back. I think the last time I prayed this hard about anything was when my mother was sick. For the past few months I have actually been real with God, telling him what I know I need, instead of what I want or what is easy.
And now I'm praying that I can get rid of this feeling that I'm not good enough...because it is the worst lie that replays in my head everytime he does something sweet.

I'll update on other life news now, if you care:
Design class is eating my soul. I am spending so much to make this Cornell box that I might as well pick up yet ANOTHER job just to pay for my projects. I need to make a box for Hedda Gabler. And while I think the box will be great and fun and such to make...there just aren't enough hours in the DAY! And I need to finish it this week before I go to Abiline this weekend with Tessa to see LITTLE WOMEN!!!!!! AHHHHH!!! SO EXCITED!

I have it pretty good. Seriously.

Take a deep breath.

Will I EVER be happy with my hair?

EVER?

Why did I have to get it done this week? When everything is already 10x worse than it actually is. And ridiculously blown out of proportion. WHY?

I'm pathetic.

Refreshing.

I've never been one to rip up, tear apart, cut, shred, and then throw things away...things that may or may not have meant something to me in the past. But I did. And it was the absolute best feeling in the world. Even Anna asked why I was in such a good mood when she came in my room. I couldn't hide it.
I am making really positive decisions. About everything. I'm becoming a better person...and I realize that this is a PROCESS and that I will have downfalls. But I have no reason to be the disgusting whoever-I-was months ago. I am encouraged.
Even my mom noticed a difference. My sister, too.
And that means something.

ANYWAY! Enough of the heavy stuff, right? Today was wonderful...this weekend will be really interesting because everyone and their mom is leaving campus. So it's basically a weekend of me and Amber...and Kris. Which is much needed and I am very excited for the randomness that is to come.

I AM SO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW I COULD SCREAM IT FROM THE HILLTOPS!

I must have done something right.

I need to work on it.

I'm not really sure why I convinced myself that my stress levels would go down after my show closed, but it was all false hope. Alas, schoolwork will never let me sleep.

I also need to work on a few things...like jealousy. In a lot of ways and in a lot of situations, I am not jealous at all. But there are those few exceptions that punch me in the face. And I know that I can hide my emotions to a lot of people fairly well, but there are still those few that see right through me. And I know it's not healthy to be doing this...and that the only way I will get over being jealous is to be faced with situations where I would usually be jealous. It's like praying for patience. You don't just get it; you're faced with opportunities to grow.

Spring Break plans are almost complete. Legally Blonde tickets will soon be purchased. And I'm SO excited for what is to come! :)

I am starting to recognize myself again.

Valentine's Day...and my show closing.

This Valentine's Day was the most amazing Valentine's Day that I have ever been a part of.

Lunch. Presents. Pictures. Amazing boyfriend.

My show...and the fact that it's over.

Yet somehow, someone seems to keep lying. You know who you are. I won't scream a name out there, though I have screamed about this. You are coming between me and MY friends, and it's been going on for TOO long. I don't think you realize how in control of this you are, and how in denial you are, and how badly you are taking ADVANTAGE of the fact that I forgive. Well guess what? I no longer trust you. Oh, and thank you for making me doubt my friends along the way.

(breathe, Mary. breathe.)

Pathetic female theatre major, anyone?

Opening night was amazing. My cast was fabulous and I couldn't be happier with the way they handled the night.
On the other hand, I was thinking about how Mr. Miller couldn't see my show because he's overseas. It's hard when the teacher who taught me HOW to direct and has worked with me as my director on 4 shows so far didn't get to see MY show. But I learned to deal with it and got over it. So I thought...
Mr. Lynn came to the show last night with his family. I was very excited. Well, his daughter got sick after Anna's show, and his wife left with their son and he had to leave with his daughters. I started to freak out before the lights when up for my show because he had left the theatre..so I wanted to see if they could hold the show or anything. I was comforted by Anna and Megan, and the show started. I was later informed that he watched about half or more of my show from the light booth, so that made me smile a little. Bringing this up in class today was not the smartest idea on my part. He told me that he was in the booth, checking on the techies, for about 5 minutes, and then left.
He didn't see my show. And he can't come another night to see it.
And the second I hit the door to leave, I started crying.
My parents can't be here. My family can't see what I've done. What I've poured my soul into for the last...what seems like forever. It's hard to think back on anything before plans for this show.
I guess I'm just overly emotional right now. This week has been a lot to handle.

And Seth, I'm sorry I cried all over your jacket.

Finally.

Tonight is opening night.

More to come about that later.

There's no business like show business.

Show week.
Death.
Dear cast, get focused.
Because I will throw something.
Not even kidding.
I just need everything to fall into place.
Like lights.
Yeah, maybe my show needs lights?
Does this also have to be test week?
OF COURSE IT DOES!
Thank you, school.
We have 2 more rehearsals left.
Then others get to judge it.
And that's just awesome.
I can't remember the last time I ate a real dinner.
Aaaaaaaand I'm tired.

Is it Valentine's Day, yet?

Yes.

I love my friends and my life and where I'm at right now. Correction: where I'm headed.

I can be the most selfish person on the face of the planet. I know this. I try to fix it, but it never changes. I can also be extremely jealous, though it's mostly internal and rips me apart rather than expressing things outwardly. I hate that I can focus on myself for so long. I have been focusing on myself for over a year. Well over a year. And it's time to change. I am ready for this. I am ready for the adventure I am about to start. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I am only human. I am an average college girl who is trying to get by, but I've got people who care about me- and I won't concern myself with the ones who don't. I really don't want to mess this up. I have never wanted something to work so badly in my life.

I know I still have a ways to go, but I'm glad to be surrounded by people who encourage me daily.

Especially him.

UPDATE ON MY SHOW: We've entered show week, people. I have 4, that's right, 4 rehearsals left before we open...and I am very ready for it. My cast will be ready. Everything will be ready. Okay...well maybe the lighting won't be- but everything else will be! I hate that I will be SO EXTREMELY BUSY THIS WEEK because of my show, but I will miss it when it's over. And then it's Valentine's Day.... :)

And all you wanted was somebody who cared.

So, there has been a certain turn of events in my life as of late, and I like it. I've been dealing with so much stress-- homework, classes, tests, work, rehearsals, MY PLAY THAT OPENS A WEEK FROM TODAY, and everything else...so it's nice to have a reason to slow down. I've never aproached anything this way before, and I couldn't be more encouraged for what is to come. Plus, I'm pretty sure Daddy Baker approves like you wouldn't even know!

I am happy.

If anyone can make me a better person, you could.
All I gotta say is I must've done something good.

Toniiiight....toniiiiight...

...was THE most perfect ending to a most stressful and emotionally draining day.

::happy sigh::

Cheesy. And I don't care!

Okay, I can't remember smiling this much. EVER!

I can't even breathe.

I almost don't believe it...

So. Happy.

That's all.