Sunday, April 11, 2010

I haven't updated since OCTOBER...

...and I guess a few things have happened since then.

This entry might be difficult.

Okay. Well. Umm. Hmm.

I have learned now more than ever that I have people surrounding me who truly love me, care about me, and want to make me happy. I always knew that my friends were this way, and it's a shame that it takes such an awful situation to help you finalize your realization. On January 1st of this year, just an hour after the "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" screams were heard all over the country, my best friend and role model left this world and gained her reward; my mother passed away.

We knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it easier. Someone at school even said, "yeah, but she had been sick for some time, right?"...and while that was the case, I promise that it doesn't make it easier. She found out that her cancer was terminal on Thanksgiving Day, when my brother Stephen and I were both at Seth's house. We couldn't come home until Christmas break, and so we had twelve days with her before she passed. I could now use the rest of this entry to tell you how horrible I felt for not coming home for the summer, or for not coming home for Thanksgiving, but I also didn't know that my time was so limited. You never know that your last time is your last time...until something happens and prohibits it from ever happening again.

I was with friends, some of the best friends that anyone could ask for, when I heard the news. Seth began planning his drive to NJ to be with me the second he found out...and so did Amber and Kris. Some friends were upset that they weren't able to make it, and I want to reassure you that I felt your prayers and that your calls and texts and emails and messages were just as important - I didn't expect half of the student body to make the trek up to NJ. All that to say, I'm really thankful that Seth, Amber, and Kris did. God put these people in my life because I need them, and I certainly needed them then.

My brother and I already had plane tickets to come back to school on January 7th...which ended up being the day after the funeral. Were we ready? Of course not. Should we have taken more time at home? Some would say yes, but we knew what mom would have wanted. So we flew back to school after days of no sleep, hoping to find some type of relief in a location that wasn't stamped with memories.

We took the semester head on - it's the only way we knew how. Life doesn't stop just because you may want it to. Steve was just a Spring Sing host...and a pretty amazing one at that. I just finished up my Senior Project by portraying Gwendolen in "The Importance of Being Earnest."

I write all this in an effort to help whoever may read any future entries understand where I've been in 2010. It's been a rough couple of months. It's difficult to focus on school work at times, and I know I've let people down with my attitude or something closely related. I want you, whoever "you" are, to know that I'm trying. I'm going to continue to try and take on this big girl world the best way I've been taught. It's tough when I don't have my number one encourager to call and help me through my day, but I know that she doesn't want me to be upset. I also know that she told me it's okay to cry...so I take advantage of that from time to time as well.

I pray that I can take what I'm currently learning about life and loss and apply it to real life situations when my friends need me. It's not a fun experience, but I know that God wants me to help others when the time comes. I still have a lot of trying times ahead of me, but I've got the best people in the world to help me when I'm feeling down.

I love you, mom.

1 comment:

LionessWithoutAPride said...

You have one of the most positive attitudes I have ever come across. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. God bless you.