Sunday, June 8, 2008

If I hadn't, but I did...

I think a lot in the middle of the night.

Like, when I should be sleeping.

Anyway. . .

I think I dream too much. Ha. Funny that I'm writing about dreaming when I'm awake. But really. There's so much I want in life. I'm pulling myself in twelve different directions. I wan't to be a performer. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom. I want to be a singer. I want to be an actress. I want to be a...better person. Can I explain? Please, lend me your ears.

There's a huge part of me that wants to perform for the rest of my life. Live in a big city. Get a studio apartment. Audition for shows every couple of months. Be on stage with famous people. Learn from the talent of others. Be somebody.
To put it in simple terms- The new MTV show "Legally Blonde: The Search For The Next Elle Woods" absolutely KILLS me. I'd give almost anything to be where those girls are, doing exactly what they're doing.
I'm so "performance-antsy" (that's what I'll call it for now) that I'm taking dance classes starting this week with my brother. Jazz Technique. Maybe even Musical Theatre Dance, too, if it's open. I just need to be...doing...something...all the time. It's like my rehearsal time and the chance to perform in front of nearly sold-out audiences 11 times isn't enough for the summer.
Next comes the singing lessons...which may or may not be put on hold because of the money situation. But even still, I'm pressing my vocal coach to push my upper range and teach me arias and ballads I never dreamed of singing.

Why do I want so much when I'm going to be a high school teacher? Or is me saying that just limiting myself?

Why am I pushing the performance thing so much? I'm not as good as my friends.

Sorry for wasting your time. This is just what I think about. All. The. Time.

My mom made a joke around midnight about how I'd be up at 4 in the morning and that we can "girl chat" then.

She's asleep on the couch. I guess she couldn't hold out for me.

And here I am, writing to myself.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I think it's natural for you to pull yourself in so many directions. I do the same exact thing. I know it gives you trouble, but you wouldn't be the same wonderful person God made you to be if you didn't do it. Does that make sense? I love you and you and your family are in my prayers.